Definition: Gratitude, thankfulness, or gratefulness is a feeling of appreciation (or similar positive response) by a recipient of another’s kindness. This kindness can be gifts, help, favors, or another form of generosity to another person. (Wikipedia)
HOW TO BUILD A GRATITUDE HABIT?
Being grateful seems to be an obvious thing to do. Why wouldn’t we?
Gratitude raises our mood, builds relationships with others (when we honour their efforts on our behalf) and to simply acknowledge all the good that is in our lives. When we feel good we perform better in life.
And yet we often overlook the good in favour of what is not so good in our lives – the negative, the non ideal, the hurtful. The squeaky wheel gets the attention and oil. Why do we let ourselves be drawn to the negative and not the positive that feels so good.
Knowing, that choosing gratitude over the negative is a good thing, is not enough. We have to also have the know how and application to make it real in our lives.
So what can we do to create a habit of looking and benefiting from the good in our lives.
As a species we have two tendencies, to move away from danger and towards pleasure.
In the above scenario when we focus on the negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours we are sort of doing the away from part of the equation. We are wanting to get rid of those feelings, thoughts and emotions. We do that by supressing them, blaming external sources (others, circumstances etc.), distraction through vices (over working, alcohol etc.). Unfortunately, I’m sure that you agree, that approach doesn’t work. It might work for a moment then those old thoughts, feelings and emotions spring back.
I know people that have spent a life time in that particular unhelpful strategy of battling the negative. And whilst on the surface it feels like a rational thing to be doing, after all who doesn’t want to get rid of discomfort, in reality fighting the negative is a fools errand. What a lot of wasted effort and life!. My heart goes out to those souls. Having been one of those souls I know what that feels like. So this blog is my way of STOPPING others getting lost in that unhelpful behavioural trap.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
- The first thing is to realise that the strategy of suppressing the negative thoughts / feelings / behaviours isn’t working. Applying more effort simply doesn’t work. So we need to see the flawed strategy for what it is. One way of doing that is to imagine 10 more years of doing the same old approach and not really getting anywhere with it. Even worse when we are stuck in that negative pattern, we are missing out on the good things in our lives.
- When we are fed up with trying to control those reoccurring feelings/ emotions and behaviours, we can then put a BIG STOP IT to the habit.
- That BIG STOP IT tells the unconscious mind, which is responsible for our behaviours, that we want something different. It will listen as long as we say it with a firm enough attitude. By doing so we take back control.
- The next step is to replace the old habit with a new and better habit. That’s where gratitude and being grateful comes in. Instead of fighting the negative thoughts we replace them with more positive gratitude thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Gratitude addresses the pleasure part of the away from / towards motivation equation. When we are grateful we acknowledge what is good in our lives. And when we feel good we release feel good chemicals like serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine.
Gratitude is a heartfelt emotion. When we operate from the heart our perspective opens up and we relax. When we are relaxed we have access to the rational part of the brain, where we are at ease, in control and have access to our solution finding abilities. And when we have access to all those resources we gain confidence and feel in control. We are more able to address the challenges in our lives rather than be controlled and negatively affected by them.
HABIT CREATING FORMULAR
So the formular for changing from focusing on the unhelpful behaviours and thoughts is:
- Notice negative thinking / behaviours/ emotions.
- STOP those negative things by giving a firm STOP IT! to them. Looking at the negative consequences of the old behaviours helps with the STOP IT!
- Look to what’s good in your life, i.e. what you grateful for, to raise your sense of wellbeing and to get access to clear, creative thinking.
- Notice how it feels to be more in control. When you notice it feels good you will want more of it!! This will motivate you to REAPET the process until gratitude is your default habit.
- To summarise the process can be described as “Not that but THIS“
SUPPORTING PRACTICES
Doing the following cements the new positive habit:
- Write down what you are grateful for. By taking it out of your head and putting down on paper somehow makes it more real. If it feels more real it becomes more real. Also it further tells the unconscious mind that this thing is important to you. To get you started checkout the 5 min Gratitude Worksheet
- Place a reminder on your fridge or maybe an alarm on your phone to remind you to write down your gratitudes.
- Carry a small notebook with you so you can write down anything you are grateful for as it arises.
- Say three things you are grateful for, as you drift off to sleep. It will help you sleep better and empty your stress bucket so that you feel fresher in the morning.
EMERGENCY STOP
If you are lost in negative emotions, e.g. anger, blame, and can’t think clearly then there is not a lot of capacity for rational thought and reasoning doesn’t work.
To break those negative trances, we need to HIT the EMERGENCY STOP IT button!! One way of doing that is to ask yourself with intent:
- What am I grateful for?
- What’s good in my life?
This will move your thinking to somewhere else so that you have the chance to do something different.
CONCLUSION
When we operate from a negative mindset our capacity to deal with situations is limited because the negative mind isn’t creative, it has only three modes of operation, fight, flight or freeze. When we use these to approaches to deal with unhelpful and uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and emotions unwittingly we maintain the very thing that we don’t want. We end up trapped and unresourceful.
So the solution is to recognise the ineffectiveness of he fighting the negative strategy and to say a determined STOP IT to it!.
This leaves space for something new. That something news is gratitude. Gratitude creates wellbeing and access to our rational, positive and creative minds. Consequently we feel more confident, more optimistic and in control. We are able to address the issues that initially triggered the negative thinking and behaviours without being lost in the emotion of those events.
